Gardeners?

I vaguely remember people talking about the war between the Methodists and the Presbyterians. The AG may appear monolithic to outsiders but in reality it was created by the amalgamation of persons of various denominational backgrounds, including both Methodists and Presbyterians among various others, all united by the theme of the shared Pentecostal experience. Some time ago, perhaps 20 years ago, there was some sort of war between various factions within the AG. This is problematic because often we do not know who belongs to what faction. It is not apparent from the skin color or outward appearances or even associations of the various persons. I was somehow told that I would be discarded as a Methodist witch woman even though I have no Methodist background or associations and have no clue what they are talking about. The only Methodist link that I can think of is that my Dad's cousin Suzanne attended the University of Southern California, which is of Methodist origin, at some time back in the 1960s even though we were never Methodists. It was just her choice of college. I don't know anything about that. I barely knew the San Diego relatives and saw them only a handful of times in my lifetime.

Interestingly, in recent research we now learn of the existence of Ray Earl Gardner, whose parents were actually of Presbyterian background and were missionaries in Foochow, China, later living in Claremont where exists a Methodist seminary of which there is no evidence that Gardner ever attended, and serving under the auspices of the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions which is Congregational, which as far as I can tell is neither Methodist nor Presbyterian but somewhat interdenominational in its recruitment of teachers.

Interestingly, there was a Darrell Gardner who was a famous trumpet player and alumni of my college, Southern California College, which is AG, not Methodist or Presbyterian that I know of. I have no idea whether the trumpet player was in any way related to the Gardner family from China. It is not like I ever knew him personally. I only saw him maybe once when he came to the college to speak to students.

I also seem to remember a girl at SCC whose name was maybe Dara Gardner or something like that. She was a favorite of the Cederblom boys who invited her to go with them to churches and sing and give her testimony when they did their personal ministry and trumpet playing not in connection to the school. I don't know anything about that. I only remember Tim Cederblom explaining that they invited her to go with them because she has a testimony (the details of which I don't recall). I vaguely remember him introducing her to me and I said hello. That is about all I remember about that. I vaguely recall that Tim seemed a little perturbed that more conversation was not forthcoming from me in regards to Ms. Gardner but I really have nothing else to say about that. It is not like my future is in any way dependent on the Cederblom's opinion of anything. They don't know me anyway. It is not like we ever really talked.

Which Reminds Me...

At some time when I was in maybe fifth grade at the Escuela Americana I remember going to some girls' house for a party, a huge house with all kinds of furniture, and we were sitting around a table talking and these girls were saying that they never listen to Beatles music because it is bad, full of bad meanings and things. I do remember them saying that but I do not recall myself swearing any oath never to listen to Beatles music in the future just because they said that. Some of the Beatles songs are bad and some of their songs are not so bad now that I am old enough to think for myself. I am not fond of Paul McCartney's Catholic song "Let It Be." Also, I have no interest in Eastern religions so I have no use for a lot of George Harrison's yoga music. Still, some of their songs are actually pretty good. It depends on which song you are talking about in my opinion.

D

This Mr. Demeterius has caused us much harm, forcing us to think in terms of meters and liters and kilometers when the old English system of measurements worked just fine for me. Mr. Demeterius insists on making stupid jokes about meter maids and Beatles hit songs, as if that would advance the point. And why all these stupid jokes about "gets"? Is Laurie's last name Goetz? No, she only married a Goetchius so the joke falls flat in terms of rhyme. Also, who cares that Uncle Art's mother's maiden name was Downey? I never even knew that but anyway that is not half as bad as Larry Downs' last name. So? Besides, we all know that the Bates are the ones who financed the genealogy research so why is everyone pointing fingers at me? Did I ask for these relatives? No, they just are. (2 Timothy 4:14-15)

The BPWM

It goes without saying that we are not aware of MacGowan's children if she ever had any, although in surfing the Internet we saw that the former college classmate, a psychology major, was working for a university in Oregon. The McGowan children who came to the U.S. aboard the S.S. Gripsholm to spend the rest of World War II with their uncle Jack in Eugene, Oregon, are listed as of the Chinese race so I don't see any resemblance there. Besides, the McGowan children were apparently connected to the British Political Warfare Mission, according to a notation on the passenger list, so obviously their purpose in coming to the U.S. has ended. The war has been over for a very long time now and your answers to the questions were given before reaching the age of majority. We really were not planning to resurrect your answers to the boiler plate questions that non-U.S. citizens were required to answer upon entering the country as part of a POW exchange but if you insist on raising Cane you might find that the authorities are starting to wonder if you really were a prisoner, a poor man, a hospital patient, a mental case undergoing treatment, a polygamist and an anarchist all along and only lying to get through customs fast. Are you trying to tell us that you have changed your mind and that you really do want to overthrow the U.S. government after all? Perhaps in the intervening years you have been arrested or deported or excluded. Do you really want to go through World War II all over again? Then I think you must be crazy for sure and with your addle-brained head, lacking a teaching credential or similar working purpose, you will never qualify for a Chinese Visa. The Chinese authorities will never let you in the front door as just a nice ministry guy with good intentions. The rules state it clearly: "Any person suffering from a mental disorder, leprosy, AIDS, venereal diseases, contagious tuberculosis or other such infectious diseases shall not be permitted to enter China." Who defines mental disorder? The nation defending the integrity of its own borders will tell you who gets in and who doesn't. That is how that works, or ought to.

Funk

I always thought that he was referring to a certain type of music. He repeated himself thinking that perhaps I (or was it we?) had misunderstood and thought he was using a different word but it was always clear from the context of what he was saying that he was referring to a type of music so I did not think the clarification was required. However, I thought it was a good sign that he did clarify because it showed that he had a conscience in regards to word choice and did not want to be perceived as a guy with no vocabulary.  Thus I was not concerned about that later. There was no reason to wonder whether he was actually referring to Grace Funk, the Iowa-born Methodist missionary who spent 20 or so years as a single unmarried teacher in a girls' school at Shaowu, China, before marrying Herbert Edwin Victor Andrews, a missionary with China Inland Mission. Andrews' first wife Gertrude had died leaving him alone in China with five young children to raise so it was convenient that Grace Funk at age 44 agreed to assume the work of raising his children. Later, in 1943, during World War II the Andrews were among hundreds of people evacuated from China. After traveling to India, they boarded the S.S. Gripsholm, an International Red Cross exchange ship used for the transport of diplomats and prisoners of war. The ship sailed from Mormugao, in Portuguese India, on Oct. 22, arriving in New York on December 1. Interestingly, the passenger list also includes the names of Daniel and Sarah (Kugler) Sheets among many others. One might wonder whether the Andrews and the Sheets dined together on board the S.S. Gripsholm but it is equally possible that they never met and would not even recognize each other on the same ship. I really don't know. The passenger list doesn't reallly include that information. It only gives the names, birth information, citizenship, and address in the United States.

Which reminds me of talking to Sandy Santiago about singleness and she was saying that so many single women of the 1960s and 1970s generation were probably so because their potential spouses were killed in Vietnam. Ok, so that's one way of looking at it. Also, there were all those magazine articles saying that the odds of getting married for women of a more advanced age, meaning about 30 or older, are about the same as being eaten by a shark or struck by lightning. It could happen if you really put yourself out there but the odds are against you.

Dumb People

It was sad the way that Max and Ophelia always surrounded themselves with the most pathetically horrible people, Cheri and Terry being a prime example of trailer trash losers in my opinion. Another example of dumb people is provided in the story of the People's Republic of Ephesus. In this story we see that the stupid people were clamoring for their idols of Diana even when the Apostle Paul was preaching the truth of the Gospel which leads to eternal life. Go figure. The Apostle Paul was saying what was right and true, which is that God is worshiped in spirit and in truth among other things, and yet he was thrown in prison for doing the right thing. The stupid people preferred to believe a lie, which was that their beloved idol of Diana fell out of the sky. Ha ha ha! Who are you kidding? We all know that the idol of Diana was a crafty and devilish invention of the artists of Ephesus. We are not fooled by the back room dealings of the Good Old Boys. Truth be told, the people were wrong wrong wrong. But in the People's Republic of Ephesus the stupid people with vested interests in the economic structure of idolatry, which infused the entire culture, won the day. This is the sad truth that sometimes the wrong people win and the right people lose. Still, losing does not necessarily prove that you were wrong. It could just mean that the people were stupid or something like that.

I Sue You, Too

I so much resent the imposition of these wicked witches Stacy and her identical twin Sue, who is actually from the Tennessee people and only pretending to be one of us in order to advance her theatrical career on the fast-track to Hollywood. The way things work around here, anybody from Tennessee can waltz in here and take charge of everything and pretend that we AG people are just worthless garbage to be swept aside because the people love only them and we are just out of fashion and out of luck. Life is complicated enough without the arrogant snobs of Tennessee ruining everything because only they are popular and it's all about them even if they do have the "gift" and I don't. That was the way it looked to me. I am just saying. Besides, I would rather die than be associate in any way with that creepy Terry Craig. Some girls will just marry anyone just to make a point but sometimes it backfires on them and they have to eat their own lousy cooking.

Games

Which reminds me that it was Yvonne Altura, the Italian editor, single and never married, who talked about how she hates watching games, as for example sports like football and baseball, on television. She was here for a two or three years but later returned to Washington state where I imagine she still lives unless dead by now. I don't remember. I never learned Italian so I really don't know much about that. Greg Lestarjette lived in Italy and took Italian lessons so maybe he would understand what she was talking about but I don't remember anything of significance.

Anita Stone

Oh, yes, Anita Stone was her name. I see her picture in the yearbook but she was a junior when I was only a freshman in high school so I do not think that I ever spoke to her or ever knew anything about her. I sort of remember seeing her face here and there. So? I could say the same thing about a lot of people who were in the same high school. I did not know a lot of people socially but I cannot pretend to know things about people that I just don't know which is why I would not want to say anything about her. Besides, I have an aunt named Anita so it could get confusing for me to say anything about Anita. There are many Anitas.

Methodist Attitude

I suddenly seem to see that many of these people with attitude problems are Methodists. They seem to think that everyone should be a Methodist. Mike Rogers of Michigan is a Methodist so everyone who is not a Methodist is on the "other" side of the conflict, whatever that means. As if the United States were synonymous with Methodism. Not so. The last time I checked there were plenty of U.S. citizens from Presbyterian, Lutheran, Anglican, Episcopalian, Baptist, Congregationalist, Mennonite, Pentecostal and other Christian persuasions, all of these with their own missionary representatives serving in China and other countries at one time or another. There is nothing wrong with that. We have freedom of association in this country, the United States, so if I do not feel comfortable shooting the breeze with the Unitarian-Methodist Hills brothers, I am perfectly within my legal rights. Besides, while I don't remember the name of that Unitarian girl, I am sure that they do. I should not have to explain about what's-her-name when everybody already knows who she was. Some time I will have to review my yearbook to see if I can remember which blond she was, but I do remember that she was a year or two ahead of us, not in our class.

Bible Quotations

Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

This is a Bible verse that I have quoted at various times in my life for various reasons, including one graduate school application that seems to have gotten wide circulation in La-La-land. God has prepared works in advance for me to do. This verse is referring to the God of heaven, not to any human being existing on this earth. Only God knows what He has prepared in advance for me to do, not you. If the Apostle Paul said these words to the believers of Ephesus then I have it on very good authority that God also has something in mind for me to do that I perhaps had not imagined earlier and if some stupid brown-nosers want to argue in contrariness to the truth of the Scriptures and this application to myself as to everyone else on the planet then all I can say is that the world is obviously going to hell in a hand basket and the Antichrist is soon to appear on the horizon because I said nothing presumptuous and am not taking anything for granted. The only problem with your interpretation is that your brain is the size of a one-celled amoeba. You are the problem, not me.

Catholic Italian Women

I think I heard that Joan later became the prime example of vile and disgusting Italian womanhood of which they are speaking but I know nothing about that. Just because I sat directly behind her in alphabetical during high school English class, that does not mean that I would know anything about her plans to become an FBI agent. I always avoid those Do-Re-Mi dogs whenever possible. They try to set little traps for me but it is always best to leave the bait there untouched whenever possible because if you step in it it is very hard to back out. They think that I don't know this but actually I do.

Whiney Andrea

I never did anything wrong when I was babysitting Coretha and Andrea that one time and I have no idea why their wicked witch mother Fran would go around spreading all these slanderous lies about me,as if I had done something weird. I just cannot even imagine what those filthy White Trash dogs of Panama City are thinking in making all these false accusations against me. All I can figure is that someone else did something wrong and I am the convenient scapegoat because I don't remember anything. We know that other people also babysat and no one is saying anything about what they did to their kids. So obviously this is probably all about someone else.

Darkness

I vaguely remember that someone, maybe Stacy, was telling me that I am going to be punished for being the descendant of a slaveholding family of Alabama. I will suffer because I made the slaves of Alabama suffer, someone was saying. And I was trying to explain that we have no ancestry in Alabama that I am aware of. Maybe you think that all the Stricklands are descended from Uncle Winfred's wife Hazel of whose ancestry I am not much aware. We are on our side of the family always thought that Hazel was a bit odd. I do think that she might have some Deep South ancestry if I recall from my research, her father Edward Tackett being born in Alabama in 1867, but we are not descended from Hazel and we do not know very much about her. All we know is that Henry Strickland was born in Missouri in 1852 which also probably have slavery probably before the Civil War but he was only a boy then. It is not clear to me whether he is descended from Luke and Delilah or that other Strickland couple with a son named Henry so we can only sort of guess that either way we are descended from the Stricklands who did not live in Alabama. We really do not have any Deep South roots, which means the Gulf states obviously. Yes, I made some kind of joke about the newspaper ad quoted in the family history book but I was not referring in any way to the Tacketts of whom I was not aware. I was only saying the logical thing about seeing an advertisement asking for a slave to help with household duties, which means that it would not be compulsory forced labor, not a matter of voluntary service. Only a psycho would make hay out of that.

Guadalajara

Which reminds me that once while we were in the American School at Guadalajara my sister suddenly decided to go home with this other girl in her first grade class and I was somehow persuaded to go along against my better judgment. So we go home on the bus with this girl to some huge mansion on the other end of town and then when we didn't get off the bus on time at our bus stop our parents were frantically worried and calling all over the place trying to figure out where we were and finally they somehow got in contact with that girl's parents and then we were sent home and severely scolded for running off without asking parental permission. My sister never did have much sense about not running off with whoever came along but I was always much more cautious about that. I was persuaded to go along with them because she didn't want to go alone but that was not a solution to not having parental permission in the first place.

I Don't Remember Saying That

It becomes fairly obvious that someone called this "New World Order" concept a "crock." Although I don't recall ever saying it with that choice of wordage, actually some names come to mind although I have no evidence to prove who said what. Thus there would be no reason for me to say anything further about that. Regardless, it seems to be functioning that way with myself on the wrong end of the digestive process to put it politely. If I had clout I could raise a ruckus but I don't have the money to secure my future. I always seem to be on the wrong end of the stick, so to speak.

Blocks

My mother owns mineral rights on land in Texas and they know this. What "they" are saying is that they are going to block my use of the mineral rights and there is nothing that we can do about it. I did not really understand much about the mineral rights until after high school but they knew and they are saying that our "block" of mineral rights is basically useless unless we subscribe to their "New World Order." And even if we do subscribe to this "New World Order" it would still mean nothing for me anyway and I would nevertheless be blocked in terms of mineral rights and will probably die without getting any benefit from the block because I fail to see why I should care about the contrarian manipulations of "them." So basically I am offered a Lose-Lose situation which means that either way I get nothing and either way the wicked witches of Mexico continue to exalt their own wonderfulness at my expense. So basically there is no beneficial solution to this impasse and they won. So?

Mexican Taunts

Those Mexican girls were taunting me and calling me a "gringa" and  not in a nice way. I just ignored them and did not take it personally because this is a standard generic word they would use for any white person who was in this position, and they did not like me for some reason of which I have no recollection, just that I exist as a white person in this school and have to walk down this path to get to and from the fields where P.E. class is held. There is no reason to give credence to this type of mindless taunting and ridicule from Mexican persons who neither know me personally or are known by me. At first I had thought this was a nonsensical word but actually after you learn what it means you understand how illogical and irrational its use actually is in a generic sense by these Mexican girls, perpetuating the same stereotypes that first arose during the Mexican-American War when U.S. soldiers wearing green uniforms were taunted and told to go home: "Gringo." The "ga" is just a feminized version of this word and yet I am not soldier and neither am I wearing a military uniform and neither can I just click my heels and be magically teleported to Kansas which was never home to me anyway. Because I have to walk down this path to and from third grade P.E. class I have to endure this mindless taunting from mindless Mexican girls who are best ignored because obviously they have no clue. It is just their culture, this robotic loathing of "Imperialist Yankee" white people, a sentiment that is nurtured from an early age by persons who are too proud to admit that using white people as a scapegoat is not going to solve all their problems. It will only extend their misery to me and I don't want it, thanks anyway.

Impossible

Yes, it is just almost impossible to talk to those guys. It is all a win-or-lose game for them whereas for me it was just a matter of getting through school without forgetting who I am and getting torn to pieces. It was in third grade that the Mexican bully girls were screaming at me during P.E. class. I don't remember why. They just hated me because I am white, I imagine. That was all it amounted to as far as I can recall because I actually remember nothing, just that suddenly this girl was in my face screaming at me for some reason. Mexicans are sort of scary people. You never really know what might set them off. It could have been anything, maybe blinking or turning my head in some way that irritated them or something. I don't remember much about that but obviously there was no reason to be intimidated by sports girls who are completely irrational and illogical. I never want to hear another word about that entirely insignificant incident. I suppose it iss just silly me that keeps dredging all this trivia of the past that is completely irrelevant because obviously no one else remembers what happened.

Mexican Bullies

I vaguely remember at age 8 being bullied by those nasty Mexican girls. The Mexican girls think that we American Yankees always think we are better and playing the uppity-up game as they would and thus their entire aim and purpose in life is to prove that we white girls are really not as good as we think we are. This goal occupies all of their thinking day and night. Thus, if we American girls happen to roll our eyes or blink for any reason we will have these Mexican bullies in our faces trying to push and shove us out of their way for some reason of which we were not aware. We were really not paying that much attention to the Mexican need to play uppity-upmanship but they are always watching us like the vulture to find their moment of opportunity. It has something to do with their binary simple Spanish culture, I would imagine. They are always very contemptuous and disdainful of us white girls in private Spanish conversation I imagine but they never show it to our faces. They concentrate on being nice and sweet to the public domain English language powers that be hoping that in this way we white girls will be pushed into the polar opposite role of being mean and nasty to them in public so that they can then report us to the authorities. This is part of their strategy of uppity-upsmanship. I see this but I always seem to be at a disadvantage in this game because even though I can translate Spanish language my melatonin is freckled and scarce. Thus, my situation in the Spanish world is precarious at best. I just don't fit there.

Open marriage?

Yes, if I only I could remember the names of those two people who were attending my college for a year or so while I was there. They were supposedly married and yet she lived in the girls' dorm and he lived in the boys' dorm and they were said to be practicing an open marriage. I don't think I ever talked to them personally. I just heard this pathetically horrible story through gossip sources which probably explains why I no longer remember what their names were. I only remember what was circulating on the grapevine in that regard. I could say something similar about the story of the man's oral tradition spurned. What were those people's names? I don't remember who they were. I only remember something that I heard on the grapevine.

Music

Which reminds me that my cousin Karen was a huge fan of the Beatles back in the 1960s and even once took us with her to see a Beatles movie of which I remember almost nothing, just that there was not much talking in it, just a lot of songs and the four guys running around on a field. Maybe Karen would remember what it was but I remember almost nothing. There was also another movie that we saw with Karen maybe, something of Alfred Hitchcock perhaps, with some people driving up a steep and winding road to a lighthouse or windmill or something. I don't remember anything. It was all just Karen's idea of something to do on a Saturday afternoon.

The Carlton Phenomenon

Yes, Grandpa Calkins' middle name was Carlton. However, it not necessary for me to explain that we are not related to Dr. Mary E. Carleton who was born in Clinton, Mass., and who in 1894 founded a medical clinic in Foochow, China. However, the Calkins family lack of a medical degree does not mean that we are in any way related to the so-called "German princess" who was executed in the 1600s on charges of bigamy and seducing a number of men and robbing them of their keys and money. Her name also was Mary Carleton. However, the seductress of Old England should not be confused with Mary Sing-Gien Carleton who was Dr. Carleton's Chinese-born adopted daughter, the Mary Carleton who became naturalized a U.S. citizen in 1961 at the age of 74 and died still unmarried in 1976 in Pasadena, Calif. Yes, those Butterfield-Bates really enjoy playing Chinese checkers with their dragon-sharp fingernails.

However, the fact remains that Grandpa Calkins' middle name Carlton is just a family thing. His father's first name was Carlton and Carlton's middle name was Reuben. Carlton Reuben's father was named Reuben Arthur. We don't know where Reuben Arthur got his name because his father's name was David McHuron so the middle name thing does not work before or after. My Dad's middle name was Bruce but we do not understand what my grandparents were thinking in that regard. Also, my Dad was not the American diplomat Harold Tracy who signed someone's passport application. We don't know who that guy would be. We are not ashamed to say that our surname is Calkins and don't forget it.

Webber Wickedness

These wicked men have a lot of nerve trying to blame all of their sins on women. We all know that they failed to be the leaders they were supposed to be and obfuscated the truth when they put all of their faith on the exalted Idiot Pastor in whom they vested absolute power over the lives of ordinary people like me even though Pastor is really nothing but a creepy child molester/pervert. The truth is that Arkansas is a fitting prison cell as any for Jerry Hogsbreath and his disgusting idol, the vile and decadent Pastor Webber whose example has even now not yet provoked an appropriate response from the clamoring Southern White Trash of California. Ok, so we all heard of Pastor's tearful confession to a long litany of as yet not clearly identified misdeeds but as the entire denomination has admitted the representative guilt of all AG pastors in paying millions of dollars to the victims we must assume that the entire denomination is guilty as charged. I don't think that Grandpa Calkins meant those things to happen but sometimes things are out of our control. Still, we have yet to see the idiotic imaginations of blithering idiot Pastor Webber being shot to smithereens. All we see is ourselves being added to the list of victims, and only because we happened to overhear something that we never imagined. This is wrong in my opinion.

Cori's Story

Yes, we will leave it to Cori to tell the story of showering with her naked father. I only know what I heard Cori say that one time when I was babysitting the two little girls or some time like that but I think he was already dead by that time. Otherwise I don't know anything about it.

Socks

Which reminds me of that story often told of the time when I was four years old and Mommy and I had come back from Christmas shopping and Mommy told me that it was a secret and I was not to tell Daddy what we got him for Christmas. So when Daddy got home I said something like, "Daddy, it's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell you that we got you socks for Christmas." Which illustrated the point that a person like me, who cannot keep a secret, would obviously never be hired by the CIA. Ha ha ha! And who would I be keeping these secrets from, anyway, as everybody already knows everything anyway and no one can be trusted not to tell? This from one four-year-old to another....

Mildred

You obviously never met my mother's cousin Mildred or you would know without being told that she would not be caught dead wearing tennis shoes to Sunday morning church as also neither would I, obviously. This is definitive proof that I have never met Nicholas of Russia. I have no clue what you are talking about and furthermore this proves that neither do you have a clue. You went on a massive fishing expedition but you are obviously barking up the wrong tree.

Work

Yes, I suppose that I could work my way through the thousand-plus records adjacent to my great-grandfather's file which records his registration as an American citizen living overseas working as an Assemblies of God missionary in China. And who would be paying my rent while I sift through all of this trivia? Someone really ought to be taking financial responsibility for all of the stuff that is being dumped on me. I do not imagine that the Coles or whoever it is would be taking responsibility for their illegal maneuver, obviously. I did not accept the job so there was no contract of employment, thus no reason to expect anyone to try to crack any further jokes about that.

The Boom Bust

When I was studying Spanish literature in high school I had not heard the term "Latin boom." Perhaps the term had not yet been coined at that time or else I was just not very aware. More recently in glancing through Kent Stone's unbelievably boring book we learn that "Latin boom" refers to the generation of Latin American writers who lived and wrote in the 1960s and 1970s and whose writings are infused with Marxist ideology which means, of course, class warfare. Ha ha ha! They were not referring, of course, to sports day at our school, I am pretty sure. Most likely this was some type of oblique reference to the existence of liberation theology which is a form of theological thinking that tries to make the gibberish of Karl Marx seem like a good and noble thing by virtue of favoring the poor above the rich, a sort of Robin Hood ethic. The Latin poor will supposedly rise up and liberate themselves by casting off the yoke of the wealthy Anglo oppressor. Of course this does not really happen in class warfare. What really happens is that the rich will get even richer and the middle class will just get poorer and disappear into the rising tide of poverty, which makes middle class people leery of this "liberation" theology. Marxist liberation theology operates on various presuppositions that are not necessarily shared by the rest of us people which makes it shocking to learn that even our own church denomination is overrun with these Communist praxist whackos, in particular that blooming idiot Doug Peterson who boasts of Oxford credentials so what would we know about that? What would Oxford know about liberation theology in America? Back in the old days I personally was not aware that the Costa Rica missionaries were such pinko Marxist Communists but in glancing through Doug Peterson's voluminous and boring Ph.D. thesis on the library shelves there at Vanguard we see that his entire thesis centers on the concept of "praxis." Huh? Well, a lot of missionaries always thought that Doug Peterson was a blooming idiot anyway so now we know it was true. In a nutshell that is my opinion of liberation theology.

Blockhead

Which reminds me that when we were in El Salvador during the gatherings of the missionary families that our family worked with there were often a lot of games played. Blockhead in particular was much enjoyed by all, both children and adults. There are some very funny pictures of the missionaries facing off in games of Blockhead missionaries John Bueno and Sterling Stewart stressing and straining to balance the blocks just right so that nothing falls. Of course, eventually someone will misplace a block and the whole teetering edifice will go crashing to the table or floor. Everyone always thought it was so funny. It was just a game, not to be taken so seriously. If you were looking to stage an "El Dorado" soap opera in Spain based on that you will be very disappointed that your investigation reveals nothing of interest. We were not the soap opera kind of people, obviously.

The Polished Diamond

Which reminds me that when our family visited the Smithsonian Institute in Washington D.C. many years ago we, like so many other thousands of visitors, filed past the Hope diamond displayed there so prominently. I cannot imagine how anyone could ever remove it from its pedestal and why would they want to. I remember reading the fascinating stories of the Hope diamond, its various owners and the calamities that befell them which some attribute to a mysterious curse because it was supposedly removed from some Asian idol in the distant past. It is hard to know what to believe about that. Nevertheless, we personally would have no use for such a huge rock with which we would most likely wring our own necks and make ourselves the target of preying thieves and robbers. In our opinion it is best to let the institution do the job of keeping the Hope diamond in its quarantined and secured location so that no one can have grounds to make any spurious claims of ownership. There are those who are so superstitious that they would not even dare to enter the building or even to cast their eyes upon such a cursed object. I personally doubt that just looking at the inanimate object will have any adverse effect on the sighted person who is not overburdened with silly superstitious notions. Nevertheless, it is a free country and no one is going to drag you kicking and screaming to force you to look upon the Hope diamond if you are really that scared of it. Who did I discuss this with? Pam? I really don't remember. A diamond in the ground is just a very interesting geological formation. It takes a skilled jewel cutter to really make it shine.

Blessings

So you think that you are going to pour a vat of burning coals on my head. The trouble is that I really don't know very much about the Cole family so you will just be writhing around like the Devil that you are while I will just being sitting here clueless. Still I have no idea what your problem is or why I should care that you have some sort of problem with the Cole family. I do remember well that the Coles were very good friends of my grandparents and Grandpa Calkins was a member of the board of directors of the ministry organization that was founded by the Rev. Edwin Cole, which was called Maximized Manhood. Beyond that I do not very much about it. I do recall that while I was at SCC Mr. Cole was holding church services in a theater not far from the college over on Harbor Boulevard. I attended services there a few times at their invitation. How I got there I can't quite recall, probably got rides from whoever. He was a good speaker. I also remember once having lunch with my grandparents and the Coles and Mr. Cole was very nice in encouraging me and telling some stories. The stories are well known to all of us. Grandpa Calkins played some role in leading Mr. Cole to the Lord and Mr. Cole was saying that he always thought of Grandpa Calkins as his role model for what a Christian man should be, and also my Dad. Probably not so much Uncle Merle, although he never said that. One just assumes. Mr. Cole was originally a hard-drinking guy who worked for Grandpa Calkins on various construction projects, during which time he poured cement into my Dad's working shoes as some kind of joke. Grandpa Calkins' and my Dad's calm reaction to Mr. Cole's cussing and swearing behavior was part of what brought Mr. Cole to an awareness of his own sinfulness and need for a Savior, I remember him saying. So anyway these stories are often repeated. As for the rest of their family, I don't know much. I met Joanne only once when she came to my room in the dorm to introduce herself. Cori was there so she also met Cori. That is probably the only time I ever talked to Joanne. I once applied at their ministry organization for employment but did not accept the job offered because the son-in-law who interviewed gave the idea that my employment there would not be his choice anyway. If I ever did work there it would only be some sort of family obligation on their part. Thus I felt there was no reason to impose my presence on the Cole family when they really don't know me anyway, nor do I know anything much about them.

Watchtower Whiners

Why do we keep hearing all of these stupid messages from those pathetically stupid and worthless Watchtower dirty dogs Toño and la Conchi? I never want to hear another word from those worthless dirty dogs. I can easily imagine that their chuco children are living and working somewhere in the U.S. but I really could not care less, especially after having learned that they defected to Watchtower hell. We do feel a certain degree of pity for the Watchtower trash but we prefer not to allow ourselves to be contaminated by further personal contact with their mental illness. No two ways about it. Sorry. I did not mean to be rude but you asked.

Transfers

So yes, you can transfer the Southern White Trash out of Lakeland but it is not so easy to get the trash out of the Southern White Folks. Just saying.

The Southern White Trash

Browsing through the web I see a photo that looks quite a bit like a grownup version of those Southern White Trash girls that I once babysat during high school in El Salvador, Andrea and Coretha. It is possible that they could be better cooks than I am nowadays but anyway the food does not explain the need to nettle the former one-time babysitter over nothing much, just that I had no idea how to cook. I was left with ingredients to cook a hamburger but I had never done that before, obviously. Mom or the maid did all of the cooking at our house so it was rather baffling that the crude and vulgar Southern White Trash Mrs. Lampp would expect me to do that. I always did hate Florida so much, having to live in the same state district as those pathetically horrid witches Fran and Shirley. They really have nothing to crow about because it was never their money anyway. They never built any railroads or sold donuts, obviously, nor did they ever do the hard work of going out into the bushes to preach. We heard that Fran's second husband frittered away all the insurance money that she got from her first husband's death so obviously the money does not belong to them. I am not saying that some other state could not be just as bad or worse. I am just saying that perhaps it is not surprising that there was a Civil War in U.S. history given that these Southern White Trash cannot really be trusted. They are very clever, these Southern White Trash thieves, which perhaps explains why they had to be laid in earth so that the rest of us could be emancipated and live in freedom and the air cleared of all these cluttery scams.  It is a bit sad that the Southern White Trash of Lakeland have been allowed to spread their viral sickness throughout the land. We used to be a great country but much of that came after the South was defeated, not really so much before.

Which brings us to Carol

Carol B. Nichols was the grandmother who raised my great-grandmother after her mother died in early childhood. The Nichols I could only trace back as far as Connecticut in 1722. Carol's mother was Nancy Randall and the Randall name traces back to the city of Bath in England so yes, perhaps there is some English in there. What fraction I really could not say. Tracing ancestry is complicated but anyway no one speaks German here so we really do not understand why Marvin is still out there shaking things up when there is nothing of interest to be learned in this way.

English Ancestry

Which reminds me that when I was rummaging through the public records on my Dad's Uncle Ben, it was interesting to note that he is often listed as being of English descent even though his father, my great-grandfather, is actually sort of German/Swiss/Prussian and his mother is part Smith, which no one know what that means, English or German, and Levine which we originally thought was French but also could be Jewish, and also Speers which traces back to Ireland and earlier back to Scotland. So where is the English in this so-called "English" man who turned birth at sea into a full-time occupation and was often traveling all over the world as a crew member on various ships? In America we all speak English so I suppose that is one way of looking at it. And anyway, just yapping loudly does not mean there is no English in there somewhere maybe. I really don't know. Yes, I suppose that listing yourself as of English race avoids the problem of being labeled an enemy of the U.S. during World War I but anyway I really could not say what Uncle Ben was thinking.

Pukey Pam

Yes, there is crude and vulgar pukey Pam spewing more F-words at me. How dare I criticize anyone or call anyone a liar, as if. I cannot hardly open my mouth without pukey Pam telling me that I should not have done this or that. Ha! Just because Pam's last name is Roberts, that does not mean that she would have anything intelligent to say to me. We did not ask to hear Lois Roberts' take on German workers in Ecuador during World War II. We sort of get that it must be problematic for Pam to be married to Hitler's kissing cousin but anyway it is not my problem.

Speaking of Liars

Yes, I recall that it was actually I who called Tim Cederblom a liar but of course those guys can never keep their facts straight. I get very tired of those guys trying to pull my leg. It is just not that funny. In fact, it is very damaging to have those guys never being able to be trusted to remember anything. I was never in Panama or Dominican Republic, which were their countries, so I really do not know the details of their lives there. Linda Lestarjette mentioned to us that the Cederblom boys burned down a chicken coop in the Dominican Republic but when I asked Tim about it he acted very strangely, as if I were the enemy. I will leave Tim and Linda to hash out the facts of history in the DR because it is really not my problem, thank you very much.

Games

Which reminds me that during the summer after 11th grade we drove to the U.S. through Mexico and stopped in Houston and visited the Wright family whose son Mickey is married to Becky Stewart, Susie's older sister. They had a huge pool table there inside their front door and we got some lessons on how to play that game. The Stewarts are big game players. I might have played pool a couple of other times in my life although I don't remember when. I am really not that good at it so I really don't care if I never play pool again. It really doesn't matter to me. Nothing will ever come of me playing a game of pool one or another. Now ping pong, I used to be fairly good at ping pong but then we had a ping pong table in our backyard so I had better experience at ping pong. Still, games are just not that important. I vaguely remember one time at SCC a bunch of people informally were getting together to play volleyball in the gym but one guy was just making everyone miserable if we missed the ball or something because he had to win. Well, I was just there for recreation purposes, not competition, so I did not appreciate his making what was supposed to be a fun game into a miserable time of being berated by him. Some guys just take winning too seriously. There is a time for serious competition but that really wasn't the time given the obviously hopeless composition of our team which is why I don't want to hear another word about that. It just wasn't that important.

Refund Issues

Yes, I read in the Sun-Sentinel about Larry Lashbrook being sued for various reasons. I suppose that I could have sued in small claims court to get my $250 back on false advertising charges but anyway it was not that important to me. Clearly some people should stick to playing guitars and stop trying to be all things to all people because most people can only do one or two things well most of the time and social marketing is obviously not one of his fortes.

We Don't Know Ecuador

The truth is that there are many countries in South America and Ecuador is not a particularly important one or of any interest to us. My parents at one time had thought about sending me to the MK boarding school there but that never happened. I would not be interested in trying to answer any questions about Ecuador. Life is complicated enough without borrowing someone else's problems. There are many countries outside of the U.S. and living overseas always is going to complicated enough. Thus there is no need for me to read the boring blitherings of wicked witch Lois Roberts. Ecuador is nothing to me. Is she the mother of wicked witch Lenore Johnson? I really could not care less about either one of them. Obviously we cannot have those wicked witches running our lives by remote control. Just because there is some tangential in-law connection to the Hibberts that does not mean that they would have anything intelligent to say to us, obviously. They would probably soon have confused with wicked witch Carol Gonzalez, I doubt not. I honestly have nothing nice to say about Carol so I would rather not add fuel to the fire by saying anything else about that at all to tell the truth. But if you insist perhaps we could drop Arizona off the map. Perhaps the Arizonans would have better luck running for president of Mexico. Just a thought.

Who was Ben?

I don't know that anyone really knows where my Dad's Uncle Ben was born. The approval card lists him as being born offshore of Yokohama and the 1930 census has him born in Japan. Other sources list Indonesia or the South China Sea as his birthplace. This to me is not a problem that needs to be hashed over. Obviously the earliest references are probably the most accurate. Perhaps someone got confused later but I am sure that the truth is known even if the knowers of it are no longer living to explain the discrepancy. Thus, there is no reason for me to be troubled regarding this insignificant point.

Ecuadoran Connections

Which reminds me that when I was in college in California my classmates included Sandra and Cindy Santiago whose parents were missionaries in Ecuador. We might have talked a few times but not really about Ecuador or El Salvador, where is the country where I lived from age 9 to 18 because my parents were missionaries there, and I don't think I every really met their brother, whatever his name is. In studying up on these things we see that both of those countries have one of those cute little 19th century railroads but I can only speak for myself in saying that we have no ownership in the railroad. I can only say that one summer day when the Stewarts were in town a group of us MKs took a ride on El Salvador's railroad all the way to Amapulapa where we went swimming and then rode the train back to town, which provides some picturesque views of certain back parts of the country one would probably never see from the highway. I probably have the photos somewhere.

Also, here in Florida we are acquainted with the Niles, Byron who died and his wife Ann, she of the serious attitude problem who remarried in Ohio. 

Missing Pages

Which reminds me that in 12th grade the Tripletts had arrived. I remember that Vickie Triplett gave me a copy of "Seventeen" magazine but with some pages missing. A little research in the school library which has a complete set of "Seventeen" magazine reveals that the missing pages were an article about the actress Blair who played the witch in the movie "The Exorcist," a movie that I never saw so I can't really comment. Why would I want to see that movie anyway? But it was strange that Vickie was being so coy about omitting information. It is not like my parents were ever shy about revealing pretty much everything to whoever. I always thought they should be not so free with information.

Cruel History

Which reminds me that in high school one of our teachers, I am thinking that it was Miss Marken in 10th grade but I could be wrong, explained to us what it means to be "drawn and quartered." This was to explain something in a book we were studying possibly. It means that your arms and legs will be tied each to a different horse and the four horses will be sent galloping each in a different direction. The result is that your body is torn into four pieces. Ew! A gruesome way to die but history is cruel sometimes. I for one seem to remember her saying that.

Weird Movie Riffs

I vaguely remember in El Salvador going over to meet Richard and Karen Lindvall who were visiting at the Buenos' house. Karen was quoting all these movie lines and Richard said something to the effect of that is the way Karen is apparently. I don't remember exactly what she was talking about but I really did not care that much to tell the truth. It just wasn't that important.

Put a lid on it

Someone really ought to put a lid on Koa Tio. The man died in China while visiting friends there almost one hundred years ago which doubtless created some complications in the execution of his last will and testament. What happened to his 20,000 pesos and Philippine real estate empire in Santa Cruz, Manila? I really couldn't care less. I suppose that one could speculate on the possibility that some of his descendants may have emigrated to the U.S. and might even be living somewhere in America. I would not be surprised if that were the case given the fact that Koa Tio was said to be loyal to the United States and had a special U.S. passport issued to Filipinos loyal to the U.S., winner of the Spanish-American War. Still, there are many "Koa Tios" here in the U.S. We are all immigrants from somewhere else and our ancestors brought with them whatever they could, I imagine, most importantly themselves. What is American treasure? Is it the pieces of eight fought over by the pirates of the Caribbean or is it the precious lives of the people themselves? Rich or poor, it matters not. American treasure is something else, something intangible, something that cannot be counted or discounted so easily. If you try to count it you would have a problem. The love of family, the loyalty of friends, faith in God, these things cannot be quantified and reduced to a balance sheet. There are times when doing the right thing does not pay so just having plenty of gold bars stashed away in a Santa Cruz vault does not prove that you alone represent what is good and right. It is more complicated than that. The United States was never a Spanish colony, fortunately for us, or we would never would have anything. We would just be slaves to some Mexican-style dictatorship, I imagine.

Visions

There are those who would conjure visions of crude and vulgar Joyce tromping across the platform in those ill-fitting army boots, F-words spewing from one side of her mouth, curses heaped curses to anyone who would ask her to remember the Bible. Any conventional motivational speaker or mother can tell you what you did wrong, but anyway it is fairly obvious that self-obsessed Joyce was born to sling pies at Harvey's truck stop, as most would prefer not to have to say in so many words. Dim-witted truck drivers really like her type of Sassycrass but we only drive cars so we really would not know anything about that. Where are the healings? The altar calls? The church? Where is the forgiveness from sin that we find in Jesus Christ? No, it's all just Joyce's big ego trip.

Which reminds me that I was never really a fan of Johnny Cash. I never had a roommate named Pam so obviously I was never all that interested in these Cash shipments. I only vaguely remember that June from New Hampshire, who lived down the hall at Evangel, was Pam Hart's roommate. I cannot begin to imagine what kind of spin June would put on whatever was said in the room given June's empty state of mind and given that June and Jan Green, who was my wicked witch roommate, were pretty much equal in terms of being too worldly wicked for Christian college.

Boring Joyce

It is hard for me to understand the enduring popularity of boring pedantic Joyce. I could not care less about ever seeing that woman in person or finding out why she has some huge chip on her shoulder against me. I just want to kick Joyce's butt away and tell her to make sure and stay out of my personal life. I recall her describing the manipulative control freak, which means that she was describing herself, obviously. Now let's see what kind of curses and evil spells that witch will cast upon me. Ha ha ha! Sometimes exercising freedom of speech can be risky and dangerous, obviously.

Ah, yes, if only I had one of those approval cards with a number on it, then I could do whatever I want to and get away with it, one might imagine. Then my mother's approval would be just automatic and notarized by affidavit. I would need to apply for native citizenship I suppose. Ha ha ha! Not really that funny actually. You could make yourself sick and dizzy hopping down these little bunny trails, as the saying goes.

The Chicken Pox

Which reminds me that I had chicken pox for an entire week when I was in first or second grade and had to stay home from school and slept most of the day with fever and chills and so forth. It happened to be the week of my birthday and so I was not able to have the birthday celebration with cupcakes in the classroom on the designated day as planned. I remember being very disappointed but life goes on. The clock does not stop just because I had chicken pox for a week. I was still a year older, obviously. Who would remember this anyway except the wicked witch Lange sisters whose backstabbing ways mean that there is no reason for us to reconnect anyway just to add more fodder to the would-be sham of pretending that we are still friends and still care to hear from each other just because we do still have your 12-year-old picture in our photo album even if we don't remember why.

No letters

I do not recall ever writing any letters to the weather girl or the teacher, especially not Miss Marken. I heard that the mothers were angry with her but, really, who cares what wicked witch mothers think. Of course if you are a state certified teacher and/or nurse with U.S. citizenship it is fairly easy for you to fend off the claws of the wicked witch mothers whenever they stage their little turnabouts and strikes and demonstrations protesting that the delinquency of their sons should not be reprimanded in any way. At least the embassy has a record of your identity in case your body is found in some forgotten corner torn to pieces. For an uncertified maid it is much less possible to avoid getting fired if the son or daughter turns or tells on you. I personally would not put so much faith in dusting and mopping skills as anyone can do that if they have to. Employment as a maid is really not any way to get ahead socially in today's economy. If that is what you were expecting you will be sorely disappointed.

Complaints

You have a lot of nerve telling me not to complain when you yourself are the worst whiners on the planet. Every day we hear reports of your shrill whining and complaining, always at our expense, and then you turn around and tell us not to bother setting the record straight after you have set everything on edge and turned everything upside down and inside out so that everything is all skewed helter skelter and connections fabricated that never existed in the first place and your vain imaginations coddled and pampered to such an extent that you don't remember anymore what is right and wrong, what is good and bad. We were not expecting a rose garden, obviously, so there is no need for you to imagine that we would lay any claim to your prickly patch. You do not have anything that I really want or have to have so you will not presume to tell me not to tell it like it is, thank you very much.