The Facts Of Life

My mother explained to me the facts of life when I was about 11 years old. She gave a very thorough and excellent explanation and also gave me a small book, "Almost Eleven," which includes all the essential information helpful for an 11-year-old, including pictures of the component parts necessary for human reproduction. Thus I have no further need of any other mother to explain the facts of life to me. I am assuming that all mothers give the same valuable instructions to all of their daughters and there is no need for me to explain the facts of life to anyone else on the planet in the future, certainly not my own sister, only my own daughter should I ever have one. I cannot imagine why anyone would think otherwise. Obviously, literature class has absolutely nothing to do with it. As far as I am concerned, the books assigned to us in literature class are mostly written by tortured individuals who have a lot of problems that I cannot possibly imagine and mostly would profer not to try to imagine. Literature reflects the sinful condition of people who mess up very badly and I do feel sorry for them but that is not my problem. My mother did mention on a later occasion about having read Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter" which is obviously the big "A" but that conversation was not in connection with or by way of explaining the facts of life. That was a whole different conversation at a later and different time about the problem of literature and how sometimes we have to read these books for homework assignments even if they are very unpleasant or boring or weird because they do say something about reality or the culture in which we happen to live and must function, not because we would want to take those people home with us and live in their sick realities and absorb their warped and twisted worldviews as our own. I can say pretty much the same about all books and magazines. My knowledge of these matters might have expanded through the years in terms of reading but still there is no reentry law requiring me to explain the birds and the bees in order to resume my duties as a citizen of the United States upon returning from Latin America. There is no reason, no law on earth, requiring me to discuss these very personal matters with the Pentagon. What would those stupid stuffed-shirt bigwigs know about girl stuff? Nothing obviously. To this day, I fail to understand Cori's fascination with asking stupid questions about these subject matters. Why should I care about whatever Cori said about her mother? I really don't care. I don't even remember those people and Cori was never my boss except in her own sick and twisted mind. There is no need for me to prove anything to anyone about what I think about these matters and no reason for me to accept a slave position in regards to Cori. I can't have these trashy rich bitches getting accustomed to thinking of themselves as my boss or master. How ridiculous. It is necessary for poor girls like me to tell rich bitches like Cori what I will do and what I will not do and that's just the way it is. Cori has no power to fire me or to tell me anything else. I don't need her garbage. If I want to quit and I can certainly quit any time I want to. There is no law requiring me to do Mrs. Nipper's dirty work. And anyway, it's not a matter of being right in terms of intellect and understanding. It is about finding the Mr. Right but if he never made an appearance in my life there is just nothing else I can do about it. Statistically there are just not enough men to go around, too many single women left over who just are never going to make it to the altar through no fault of their own. That is just a fact of life. There is no reason to self-flagellate and beat myself up because the odds are against me. Yes, if I only I had attended the Foursquare even church I might have perhaps had a slim chance of sighting Lisa Welchel from the TV show, "The Facts of Life." But as it is, the odds are against me.