These Pagan Southern Baptists

It is amazing how these Southern-Fried Baptists pretend to be Pentecostal Christians and at the same time they teach us about magical spells and potions. They tell me that if I say that I am a grasshopper, that I will become a grasshopper. That is so ridiculous. I will not be a grasshopper no matter what stupid thing I might say. No combination of magical words or chanted spells will ever convert my human body into that of a grasshopper. Sure, it would be a stupid thing to say but I never said that and even if I had said that it wouldn't be true. It would just be a lie. Thus, I never described myself as a grasshopper, nor am I a liar in that sense. I might have once or so likened myself to a turtle but not in a literal sense, obviously. Only in the sense of having a thick hide to protect myself from danger. Thus, I am neither a turtle nor a grasshopper. I am a human being just like you and do not deserve to be kicked around in this way. It's just ridiculous. This is just further proof that these people that one sees at church and even in the choir are not necessarily Christians. They might even be pagan Druid witches. How would I know? They appear as angels of light but then later you realize you were talking to the devil. Scary.