My Horrible Name

Yes, what a horrible name my parents gave me. Everyone should stop making all these pathetically bad jokes about my name, like pretending that my name was ever something like Candy Cane. Not so! My last name has always been Calkins and never Cain. Now one could make an argument about my sister's last name being Cain given her murderous attitude towards me but I never murdered anyone, obviously. Neither am I a can with a big D attached to the end of it. Or they ask me if my name was really Candace or Candice and I always have to say no, just Candi. My Dad said that if I am going to be called Candi then that should be my name. No nicknames please! These psychos really should stop inventing these stupid little puzzles to keep my mind preoccupied and distracted from what is truly important and necessary to life and liberty. I always did like jigsaw puzzles but not on their terms. They don't really have my best interests in mind so never on their terms.